I need to man up.
BIG TIME.
Naiinis ako sa sarili ako everytime my boyfriend blogs and posts about leaving the Philippines and studying sa Singapore. I feel really crappy everytime I read something like that. Siguro kase I really have these abandonment issues that I have to face and resolve on my own.
Iniwan kame ng dad ko when I was still two months old. I don't really know the whole story, pero I know that he left with another woman.My mom was devastated. Feeling ko sobrang nasaktan siya sa nangyare. As in sobrang nasaktan. I'm thinking she felt helpless and worthless. I don't know because we never really talked about it. Yung as in one on one talk, about what happened there, about why we are where we are now, and how are lives are.
After nun, she had to leave the country and work abroad, kase wala siyang mahanap na matinong trabaho dito sa Philippines, and that she wanted us to have a good life.
She left when I was six years old. She's been there for almost 15 years. She goes home dito sa Pinas every two to four years, and one to two months lang, so yes, I've technically only been with my mom for like almost a year my entire life.
During the time that she was trying to move and rebuild her life, (and no I'm not judging her for this, nor do I hate her in any way) she forgot about her son. Me.
Yes, nagpapadala siya ng pera, clothes, toys, and everything (medyo spoiled ako), pero wala yung kalinga ng isang ina. She was blinded by the fact na iniwan siya ng taong mahal niya, who promised to be there for her till death do them apart. She was consumed with her own feelings and her life na parang puro na lang siya.
What I'm saying is, my life would have been so much better having a mom around. Ang hirap and ang sakit kaya ng feeling na nakiki-pamilya lang ako sa mga Tito Tita ko and their families. Syempre, kahit naman kamag-anak ako, iba pa rin yung sariling families nila.
Lumabas lahat ng depression ko when I was in college and when I started working. I didn't have a lot of friends, or actually, I don't have any close friends. I don't have any bestfriends. I don't have any confidants other than my journal (na sometimes tinatamad akong sulatan at sabihan ng mga nararamdaman ko, kase hindi naman siya nagbibigay ng advice eh. Tsaka hello, papel lang kaya yun).
Ngayon that I'm already 20 years old, and turning 21 on Feb 2 next year, I really need to move and be a man. Naiinis na ako sa sarili ko sa sobrang madrama ko and when my boyfriend always has to assure me of his love and that hindi niya ko iiwan.
Pathetic no?
I need to fill the empty spaces in my life. I think about my boyfriend too much na my world sort of revolves around him na. Which is not good. I get sad when he doesn't text or call me sometimes na parang feeling ko hindi talaga niya ko mahal.
Aaarrgggh. I hate it when that happens kase I know naman that he loves me. Grabe I'm so needy! Efff.
I need to man up. I need to man up.
KRISTIAN YOU NEED TO MAN UP!
I am working on my abandonment issues. Not everyone that I love will leave me. Or if they do, or when they have no choice but to doesn't mean that they don't love me anymore.
I need to have a better life. I've lived by myself since who knows when, so I'll be fine. Kaya ko to.
Jusko, ako pa. ;)
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