Kung Meron Kanina Ko Pa Binigay

Nakakainis minsan kung tinatanong ako ng cashier ng "Kuya, wala po kayong barya?"

I'm like, "Ate, kung meron, yun ang ibibigay ko." Sabay irap.

Diba? Haha.

Porn Stars

Sometimes I wonder if porn stars are happy. I mean they're getting all the sex they need, and with Greek gods and godesses, and they get paid. I mean, they do get paid, right?

To Be or Not To Be... Char. Rant Lang To.

I need to man up.

BIG TIME.

Naiinis ako sa sarili ako everytime my boyfriend blogs and posts about leaving the Philippines and studying sa Singapore. I feel really crappy everytime I read something like that. Siguro kase I really have these abandonment issues that I have to face and resolve on my own.

Iniwan kame ng dad ko when I was still two months old. I don't really know the whole story, pero I know that he left with another woman.My mom was devastated. Feeling ko sobrang nasaktan siya sa nangyare. As in sobrang nasaktan. I'm thinking she felt helpless and worthless. I don't know because we never really talked about it. Yung as in one on one talk, about what happened there, about why we are where we are now, and how are lives are.

After nun, she had to leave the country and work abroad, kase wala siyang mahanap na matinong trabaho dito sa Philippines, and that she wanted us to have a good life.

She left when I was six years old. She's been there for almost 15 years. She goes home dito sa Pinas every two to four years, and one to two months lang, so yes, I've technically only been with my mom for like almost a year my entire life.

During the time that she was trying to move and rebuild her life, (and no I'm not judging her for this, nor do I hate her in any way) she forgot about her son. Me.

Yes, nagpapadala siya ng pera, clothes, toys, and everything (medyo spoiled ako), pero wala yung kalinga ng isang ina. She was blinded by the fact na iniwan siya ng taong mahal niya, who promised to be there for her till death do them apart. She was consumed with her own feelings and her life na parang puro na lang siya.

What I'm saying is, my life would have been so much better having a mom around. Ang hirap and ang sakit kaya ng feeling na nakiki-pamilya lang ako sa mga Tito Tita ko and their families. Syempre, kahit naman kamag-anak ako, iba pa rin yung sariling families nila.

Lumabas lahat ng depression ko when I was in college and when I started working. I didn't have a lot of friends, or actually, I don't have any close friends. I don't have any bestfriends. I don't have any confidants other than my journal (na sometimes tinatamad akong sulatan at sabihan ng mga nararamdaman ko, kase hindi naman siya nagbibigay ng advice eh. Tsaka hello, papel lang kaya yun).

Ngayon that I'm already 20 years old, and turning 21 on Feb 2 next year, I really need to move and be a man. Naiinis na ako sa sarili ko sa sobrang madrama ko and when my boyfriend always has to assure me of his love and that hindi niya ko iiwan.

Pathetic no?

I need to fill the empty spaces in my life. I think about my boyfriend too much na my world sort of revolves around him na. Which is not good. I get sad when he doesn't text or call me sometimes na parang feeling ko hindi talaga niya ko mahal.

Aaarrgggh. I hate it when that happens kase I know naman that he loves me. Grabe I'm so needy! Efff.

I need to man up. I need to man up.

KRISTIAN YOU NEED TO MAN UP!

I am working on my abandonment issues. Not everyone that I love will leave me. Or if they do, or when they have no choice but to doesn't mean that they don't love me anymore.

I need to have a better life. I've lived by myself since who knows when, so I'll be fine. Kaya ko to.

Jusko, ako pa. ;)

Ann Ward FTW!

That awkward girl, is just plain awesome girl! I love her sobra. As in!

Im so excited to see the Finale of ANTM Cycle 15 :).

A Small Amount of Compassion

I was in Mercury Drug buying my Anti Histamines when an old woman came in and went to the drug counter, right beside me.

She had a hard time trying to tell the Pharmacist what medicine she needed. She was signaling that she has difficulty breathing. She couldn’t talk. She was in pain. My heart couldn’t be more hurt seeing her suffer.

Then I look up, another pharmacist was watching the conversation and she was looking at the old woman and giggling.

I couldn’t stop myself from giving her a piece of my mind.

“Why are you laughing?!! You think its funny that she’s in pain??!!”

Effing Ugly Girl got suprised, but still smiling.

“You find pleasure in other people’s misery? Anong klaseng tao ka?”

Effing Ugly Girl is still smiling.

“You’re a bitch! Ang sama mong tao!”

Effing Ugly Girl (realized what I was mad about and was now wearing what looked like a napapaiyak na smile)

“Sir, hindi naman po siya yung tinatawanan ko.”

I sensed the guilt in her voice, but she wouldn’t admit it.

I didn’t realize people were already looking at me. But I didn’t care. I know I was standing up for something. I was standing up for something that she lacked in that small moment of life, where that poor old woman’s misery was devastating.

My heart couldn’t be more hurt seeing her suffer.

To think that I couldn’t do anything to make her feel better.

To know that it’s not my fault, or any of my business for that matter, but still feel helpless and stupid for complaining about small insignificant things in life.

To know that people have way more deeper problems than what I’m having.

And to see that bitch and her evil smile.

My heart couldn’t be more hurt seeing her suffer.

I wish I could do something. I just wish I could do something.

But what can I do. I am only a human being.

I left the place and I made sure that that effing girl, and everyone who worked in that pharmacy, knew.

I wasn’t judging her. I judged what she did.

Let’s just say that tonight, when she goes home, she’ll rethink her actions and find what she lacked.

A small amount of compassion.

It's Not the Gift, It's the Thought That Counts

Yesterday, I asked my boyfriend if he has finished the business cards that I asked him to do for me two weeks ago. He said that he hasn't started yet, but he'll try to finish it by the end of the day before he goes out. It was 3PM. He would go out at 7.

At first, I didn't want to make a big deal out of it. But I got mad. Why? Because I remembered that he said he was already going to start it a week ago, but then he hasn't even started it.

The only thing I ask him to do for me, EVER, and he doesn't even commit to it.

How does that make me feel?

Unimportant.

Im so mad at what he did didn't do for me.

Yun lang naman. Ang simple. Kaya naman pala niyang tapusin in one day, tapos ngayon lang gagawin. Kung di ko pa tinanong, di niya naman balak gawin yun kahapon eh.

Last week, andami nyang downtime kase kakatapos ng Mid Terms. So I thought talaga na he was already working on it.

It's not the business cards that I'm mad about. I can always make my own and have them printed. But the thought that he promised to do it, but didn't commit to it, and the fact that it was the only thing I have ever asked him to do for me and he hasn't even done it yet.

Ayoko sanang isumbat things that I have done for him, pero ang sakit isipin na ikaw, ready ka for your boyfriend to help him out and be there for him for whatever he needs, pero siya, etong napaka simpleng bagay di pa magawa.

I may be nag-iinarte, but this is how I feel.

My 2010 Christmas Wishlist

1. Dog
2. Boyfriend
3. Paulo Coehlo Books
4. New Phone
5. Zara T-Shirt
6. Cardams Shoes
7. Hoodie (Preferably from Gap)
8. 3rd Coast Album
9. A PSP (So I can play Dj Max!)